I don’t know how to have a one night stand.

I’m proud about it but I’m slightly embarrassed too.
Name at least 5 people who (are at least 23 years old) haven’t had a one night stand.Sadly, I couldn’t even think of 3 people.

I’m really not good at separating feelings and sex…or even just a little peck on the cheek.

I develop feelings quite easily, but I never

It’s not that I’m one of those who believes in “love at first sight”.
I previously mentioned how I’ve only kissed 3 boys in my life:

1. 1st kiss happened when I was already dating this guy for maybe 2 months. It was also kind of forced. And he used his tongue. So him using tongue on my first kiss ever was not a very good first kiss. I felt quite sick actually and I was confused even more about kissing and relationships in general. And I told myself- nope no more kissing anyone. I had feelings for this guy- kind of. But this kiss kind of taught me that they weren’t the lovey kind of feelings. I learned he just wanted a girl to kiss- didn’t matter if it was me or not. Figured that out when he dumped me for not doing enough.

2. This boy was suave and we were good friends for a few months. But this was the first time I experience mutual feelings. We were just laying in opposite directions on the couch watching dumb Christmas movies and then he told me to come lay closer to him so I did. Then we just cuddled a bit until I was about to fall asleep and then he leaned in and kissed me. And that’s what I consider my first real kiss. We weren’t even dating yet…but eventually began to date just a month later. And I think that was the first time I ever experienced love form.

3. This next boy I kissed was what I thought would be a” one night stand”. I downloaded Tinder (not proud of it) but one of the first guys to message me just happened to be someone my ex kind of knew. Also happened to be a boy that lived in my ex’s old house. I felt like a hoe. We just kissed. A few times.

Each time, it was never my idea to kiss. And it was never my intention to have feelings.

There comes a time

There comes a time when you finally forget.

It might not be immediate.

It might be gradual.

And slowly….

I’m forgetting what it’s like to feel your warmth right next to me.

To feel the brush of your lips on my cheek.

To feel the love I had for you.

To feel wanted.

To be loved.

To feel the pain that you caused me to feel.


I know that there is potential, surrounding us. We can achieve greater things. But the hardest part is figuring out how. Maybe not exactly “figuring out” but finding out.

Human beings are so hopeful. But at the same time, unhopeful.

I know there is something better for me.
I just don’t know what.
Hope is a mystery.

What I wanted isn’t really what I want.

It wasn’t until I met my (ex)boyfriend and been with him a couple years to realize how quickly life was happening. During our time together I felt like we were just best friends. We did everything together. Eat together. Sleep together. Wake up together. Cook together. Go on adventures together. Breathe together. Helped each other with school things. Just did life together. I hadn’t even really thought about marriage until he came back from his first study abroad trip. We spent 3 months apart but those 3 months helped us grow strong and I realized how much he loved me and how much I loved him. He’d talk about our future babies and how we would raise them to be the best. Ugh, babies. I wanted them so badly. It was my dream to be a mommy. He’d talk about the house he was going to build us. He’d talk about our future. And that made me love him so much more.
I didn’t know how I could get so lucky to find someone who thought like that and love me so much.

And all I wanted was to be the best for him.

I didn’t want to lose him.

But right now in this moment:
I don’t want him.
I don’t want to get married.
I don’t want babies.

I realized how much I’ve been missing out on life. I’ve made wayy too many sacrifices and realized how negatively I’ve changed. I need to do things. I need to go places. Without being “attached” to someone. I need to experience things on my own. I need to live.

Time is…

Time is

Too slow for those who wait,
Too swift for those who fear,
Too long for those who grieve,
Too short for those who rejoice;

But for those who love,
Time is not.

-Henry van Dyke